Does Everything Happen For A Reason?

I think it might.

I think.

The thing is the 2 babies I have now post Sonny, as cold as it sounds, have brought a light to my life save for one thing. Matti is terribly sick with a genetic condition that is extremely rare. I wonder if Sonny knew this somehow? That when he died he made sure this little kitten, this beautioful blue eyes baby, had a home where his quality of life was a number one priority. It seems like something Sonny would do-he was kind of loving like that. it didn't matter what animal we had in the house with him, he kind of watched over them all.

And Matti is so much like Sonny I simply have to think that he chose Matti and Molly for us himself, that he gave us the feeling that it was okay to get two babies just 3 weeks after his death. It filled an emptiness and brought smiels onto our faces0-smiles which didn't grace us for 3 long weeks.

Do they replace Sonny?

Never. 

but what Sonny did do was give me reasons for his death. He has taught me to get invovled with animal rights and he has given life to a beautiful blue eyes kitten named Matti whose life would surely have ended by now given the cost of his medical bills.  Sonny knew we would fight till the end for Matti, giving chance after chance to let him fight. i told Matti the morning he went to PEI I would not give up fighting for his life so long as he didn't give up either.

And he's fighting. Just like I'm fighting for Sonny. 

And I know Sonny is with me as I spread awareness over what happened to him.

And he's fighting for Matti, his spirit I imagine is curled up next to his little brother urging him to fight until he can come home to us.

Sonny knows I have not forgotten him. How he died has not left my mind and I have made it my personal business to make sure the clinic in mt. Pearl NL and what they've done doesn't go unnoticed. I make sure people know how they left him alone, drugged and probably frightened. No. I think I know he was frightened.  And if the vet at the clinic or anyone at that clinic reads this I hope you know that I know what you did. I will never forget. I will make it difficult in the future for you to get away with murder. I know you are guilty of murderingng my baby and countless others whose names i found out after you killed my boy.

The NDP is helping me change the law in Canada. Soon you won't be able to murder animals and get away with it. Mark my words.

Everything happens for a reason.

Six Months

A poem for Sonny. It hasn't quit ebeen six months but this is in my head and I must get it out or I won't sleep tonight. 

Six months

Six months have passed since you have left

Six months since you and I last played tag and hide and seek

Six months since I felt your kiss on my nose

Six months since I held you in my arms and told you I loved you.

Six months since I last saw your face

Six months since I held you tight in embrace.

Six months since you were rippped away

Six months since you were murdered viciously by a vet who never could have lvoed you like I did.

Six months since it took them only ninety minutes for them to take you from me

Six months since I held your little body and wished you had come home that night so we could spend the rest of our lives together.

Six months since I felt you tell me not to cry. You;re still with me deep inside.

Six months since you gave us two little gifts who I know you chose just for us so we could heal from the pain

Six months of making sure that the vet who killed you regretted their every moment of time with you.

Six months of working to make sure no one forgets you or why or how you died.

Six months of me trying to forget how terribly you died and telling you how sorry I am.

Six months since I made the promise I'd work for you for the rest of my life to make sure what happened to you never happens to another animal.

Six months since i cam up with Sonny's Law. Which I hope will make vets think twice about neglecting their animals.

Six months of being grateful for the five years of devotion and love you gave me and the lessons you taught

And most importantly, Sonny, six months more of eternally loving you and cherishing every memory I have.

I love you little boy.

Always.

Emptiness

Now that Mark has gone and Sonny isn't here to toy around with it feels increasingly lonely here. I fully expect to come out of my room and see him standing in the corridor, or asleep on one of the living room chairs but the fact is, he isn't going to be there.

Yesterday we brought him home from the vet wrapped in the same blue blankey we wrapped Kallie in when she died. Sonny used to sleep on that blanket-I wonder now if it didn't remind him of her. We held him at home for six very loving hours and I think we all needed that. Some people might think its morbid to have a dead animal in their home for that long but for us its comforting to see them. He died alone in a vet's office without his family-we owed him those final hours before cremation. He deserved to be held and loved, kissed and cuddled instead of laying on a table, picked up by the cremation place where, even if they treated him nicely, he is simply to them someone else's pet, another number for their books. 

But to us, he was our darling angel, he deserved so much more.

we have him everything we could give him even in those last few hours.

But it doesn't seem like its enough.

I wish he was still here. I thought we had years left together and I don't understand why he had to go so early. I understand now that he's gone and I know now he's okay but the fact is still a bit of shock our boy has gone to heaven.  I know I"ll cry a dozen more times before my heart begins to heal. I can't get my mind off my boy now, thinking about him, loving him, hoping he's okay and that he's happy. I hope he knows we don't blame him and that we're so sorry he died without being in our arms. We never would have left him if we had had any ounce of a feeling he was going to go to heaven that night. We all would have been with him, holding him, reassuring him that he didn't need to be frightened.

But life doesn't work that way, does it Sonny boy?

Baby, I hope you know how much my heart burns to hold you and share smooshies with you just one more time. I hope you know my soul and yours are forever linked.  It hasn't fully hit that you're gone-I go through moments where I can accept you aren't coming back to me but then there are moments like right now where I sit behind a computer screen with tears coming down my cheeks because the idea of life without you is so foreign.  I never thought a day would go by that life would go on without you.

I want you to know I will be okay. And that mom and dad will be okay too-you don't need to worry about them now, I'll make sure they're okay. if someday we get another cat, I want you to know that we aren't replacing you. We could never replace you and your beautiful personality. But to honor you maybe one day we'll take in another kitten that someone has abandoned as you were, and give them the same wonderful life you had with us for almost five years.

I just hate that you aren't here. I'm so sorry we couldn't save you. one of the urns we looked at yesterday said it all. "if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" and its so true. Sonny, if love determined how long someone would live, you'd be living until the end of time. But life doesn't work that way. But I know you're okay, and you aren't scared anymore. I know you're with Kallie and that she'll keep an eye on you-begrudgingly maybe but she will.

I guess this is the guilt and pain part of grieving. It's unbelievably painful. there's moments where I almost feel okay (maybe because I'm fooling myself with the idea that Sonny is still here,) and there's moments where I want to curl up and die. But I got the message you sent me buddy, and you're right. You're still with me, I know you don't want me to cry. But it's hard not to when I can't physically hold you anymore.

I guess, baby boy, I'll have to hold you with my heart instead.

And the sun stopped shining...

Last night I lost my last kitty furbaby. My sunshine. My Sonny. Who would have thought that treatment for a UTI would lead to him dying under anesthetic? I'm still in shock-I've cried a dozen times but the pain hasn't gotten any better-just worse, bigger, like how big the void in my heart, life and soul is right now at this moment.  Looking back now my last post seems terribly optimistic- more optimistic then I could possibly hope to feel right now at this moment in time. Right now, I feel sick. I'm fully ready to go to the bathroom and throw up like my stomach is threatening to do.

I don't know why people put themselves through loving animals, it hurts so badly in the end that all I really feel like doing is rolling over in bed and pretending the world doesn't exist. In bed-in sleep, I can pretend my sweet boy is still alive and he's waiting for me to get up and play a game of tag or hide and seek. He's waiting for me to turn the faucet on in the bathroom too so he can drink that. He's waiting for me to get a shower so he can curl up into the sink and lick my fingers when I'm done.

But that'd be lying to myself, wouldn't it?


I can hide all I like but the truth is my baby, Sonny. My Nermie, Nermal, sputnik, spazz, nummy, isn't coming home to me.  He's gone home-I know God in his glory will take him and let me have him once again when I've moved on to the next life. He's with my pop, my twin, Kallie, Paddy, Mackey, and all my other furbabies now. He never has to worry about getting sick, or dying, or me and Mark holding him down so we can brush out his fur. He gets to eat, sleep, play and torture Kallie all day.

Or at least I can tell myself that repeatedly, not that it makes it any better. I still feel like I"m going to walk into the living room and see him laying on the floor, or sitting in the bathtub.

First stage ? Outside of my superficial bable of knowing he's gone? 

Denial.

Months After

So it's been awhile since I"ve posted anything. Maybe writing got a little hard for awhile. What I find uncanny, looking back anyway, is my acknowledgement of Paddy's life comign to a close. Only a few short months after, my little Colonel died in my arms. It was surreal-and I have to admit i was shocked and horrified. I would have been asleep most nights around midnight but I'd been on the phone with my boyfriend when I looked over and saw my girl gasping for air and stumbling around her cage. I remember screaming for my mom with Mark on the phone and then managing to get my girl into my hands but it was too late. Moments later she was gone-just like my Kallie.

Some birthday gift for Mark.

She's with kallie now, they're buried near one another with Mark's two cats so at least none of them are alone. I dealt with her death so much differently then Kallie's-but I think it was because of the sudden shock of Paddy going which allowed me to grieve right then and there.

I still miss them both terribly. But if there is one thing I"ve learned from all this is that life goes on and my love for them continues too. I can move on and have more animals but it doesn't change the love I shared with Paddy and Kallie (and other pets long since gone). They know my love for them is never ending, and to honor them it's best to love other critters who might otherwise find themselves without homes and more importantly, without anyone to love them.  I think, if I did that, I'd be dishonoring the animals I've loved so much and not honoring them even if it hurts to move on.

Honoring them is much more important.

Late Night Wonderings

Sometimes I wonder why people own pets. It's a stupid question really when all it brings in the end is this horrible pain that's ridiculously hard to deal with. Recently, while coping with the death of Kallie I've come to realize that my little hamster won't be around forever either. Before anyone goes any further and rolls their eyes and says it's just a hamster, please zip the lips. I'm very attached to my animals. All of them. Even my little rodents.

Paddy is my little angel. I'm scared that she's next because I know she's slowed down a little. I mean, she's only a year and a half but the point is that I feel like I hear this little clock ticking in my head warning me that  she's getting old now. What happens when she dies? I guess I'll bury her next to Kallie, witrh her little house and baby blanket. But I think it'll be just as hard as when Kallie died.

When kallie died at least I had her to snuggle even if she couldn't stay still long enough for me to really cuddle her much. I don't remember never loving her either. She was actually supposed to be Mark's pet. Ha. That didn't last long because I fell in love with her too. Now I don't know how I'd sleep at night without her in my room, running on her wheel or staring at me like some creepy...stalkery thing. Its simple to say just get another one but I can't imagine not having her but the day is coming, isn't it? Maybe I'm being pessimistic.

Maybe I'm depressed again?
Probably.
Sometimes I think I might be - but then maybe it's just me coping with the grief that's finally come to haunt me

The point is sometimes I wonder why I go through this whole thing where I buy a new pet. The inevitability is that eventually they'll die and I'll be without them until I die. My grandmother once told me animals don't have souls, so they don't go to heaven.

 Well let me tell you something about this heaven thing supposing that's what happens when we die. If my furbabies aren't at the end of that RainBow Bridge or at the Pearly gates waiting for me I'm not going in. It sounds stupid to the devoted Christian who holds the belief of my grandmother I"m sure but its true. Heaven is supposed to be eternal bliss. Well, it will never be bliss for me if my babies aren't there with me.  Every last one of them.

Its a horrible thing to wonder about, you know, late at night. Some people probably think I'm crazy loving an animal so much.

Maybe I am, but I would n't trade it for anything in the world

Losing A Pet: Coping With The Grief: Mowed Down Flowers

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