Last night I lost my last kitty furbaby. My sunshine. My Sonny. Who would have thought that treatment for a UTI would lead to him dying under anesthetic? I'm still in shock-I've cried a dozen times but the pain hasn't gotten any better-just worse, bigger, like how big the void in my heart, life and soul is right now at this moment. Looking back now my last post seems terribly optimistic- more optimistic then I could possibly hope to feel right now at this moment in time. Right now, I feel sick. I'm fully ready to go to the bathroom and throw up like my stomach is threatening to do.
I don't know why people put themselves through loving animals, it hurts so badly in the end that all I really feel like doing is rolling over in bed and pretending the world doesn't exist. In bed-in sleep, I can pretend my sweet boy is still alive and he's waiting for me to get up and play a game of tag or hide and seek. He's waiting for me to turn the faucet on in the bathroom too so he can drink that. He's waiting for me to get a shower so he can curl up into the sink and lick my fingers when I'm done.
But that'd be lying to myself, wouldn't it?
I can hide all I like but the truth is my baby, Sonny. My Nermie, Nermal, sputnik, spazz, nummy, isn't coming home to me. He's gone home-I know God in his glory will take him and let me have him once again when I've moved on to the next life. He's with my pop, my twin, Kallie, Paddy, Mackey, and all my other furbabies now. He never has to worry about getting sick, or dying, or me and Mark holding him down so we can brush out his fur. He gets to eat, sleep, play and torture Kallie all day.
Or at least I can tell myself that repeatedly, not that it makes it any better. I still feel like I"m going to walk into the living room and see him laying on the floor, or sitting in the bathtub.
First stage ? Outside of my superficial bable of knowing he's gone?
Denial.
No comments:
Post a Comment