Sometimes I wonder why people own pets. It's a stupid question really when all it brings in the end is this horrible pain that's ridiculously hard to deal with. Recently, while coping with the death of Kallie I've come to realize that my little hamster won't be around forever either. Before anyone goes any further and rolls their eyes and says it's just a hamster, please zip the lips. I'm very attached to my animals. All of them. Even my little rodents.
Paddy is my little angel. I'm scared that she's next because I know she's slowed down a little. I mean, she's only a year and a half but the point is that I feel like I hear this little clock ticking in my head warning me that she's getting old now. What happens when she dies? I guess I'll bury her next to Kallie, witrh her little house and baby blanket. But I think it'll be just as hard as when Kallie died.
When kallie died at least I had her to snuggle even if she couldn't stay still long enough for me to really cuddle her much. I don't remember never loving her either. She was actually supposed to be Mark's pet. Ha. That didn't last long because I fell in love with her too. Now I don't know how I'd sleep at night without her in my room, running on her wheel or staring at me like some creepy...stalkery thing. Its simple to say just get another one but I can't imagine not having her but the day is coming, isn't it? Maybe I'm being pessimistic.
Maybe I'm depressed again?
Probably.
Sometimes I think I might be - but then maybe it's just me coping with the grief that's finally come to haunt me
The point is sometimes I wonder why I go through this whole thing where I buy a new pet. The inevitability is that eventually they'll die and I'll be without them until I die. My grandmother once told me animals don't have souls, so they don't go to heaven.
Well let me tell you something about this heaven thing supposing that's what happens when we die. If my furbabies aren't at the end of that RainBow Bridge or at the Pearly gates waiting for me I'm not going in. It sounds stupid to the devoted Christian who holds the belief of my grandmother I"m sure but its true. Heaven is supposed to be eternal bliss. Well, it will never be bliss for me if my babies aren't there with me. Every last one of them.
Its a horrible thing to wonder about, you know, late at night. Some people probably think I'm crazy loving an animal so much.
Maybe I am, but I would n't trade it for anything in the world
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Losing A Pet: Coping With The Grief: Mowed Down Flowers
Losing A Pet: Coping With The Grief: Mowed Down Flowers: " When Kallie died we planted flowers for her. Today I found out my boyfriend's mom all but destroyed them while weedwacking and mowing the l..."
Mowed Down Flowers
When Kallie died we planted flowers for her. Today I found out my boyfriend's mom all but destroyed them while weedwacking and mowing the lawn. I was devastated. I think I need to explain to myself why that was. Isn't it funny how the smallest things can trigger a meltdown? I know it was an accident (it better have been an accident), and that she didn't intentionally go to Kallie's spot to destroy what I planted but the symbolism of what those flowers were to me was extremely important to me.
I'm not someone who enables peoples faults but I'll say this. I have an adjustment disorder of sorts, I don't do well with drastic changes in situations or what have you. Losing Kallie was traumatic and losing a pet for any person without that disorder is still traumatic. For me, losing her represented a loss in stability, it was the end to one part of my life and I suddenly had to face the world without her by my side. The flowers I planted weren't just for decoration, they were a symbol to me.
The flowers were a symbol of life's continuity, that the life cycle must have death in order for there to be life. The flowers represented to me, that my life even without Kallie could go on, and be beautiful. That my world could keep turning without me falling apart. When they were destroyed, the symbolism disappeared and became a representation of Kallie's life. Beautiful but cut tragically short.
Kallie's forever spot to me is a sacred place, a holy place even. The loss of the flowers to me is like a violation on that little flowery shrine I had for her. To me it is as though someone has tainted my girl's spot. It seems silly but its true. Maybe if I hadn't just begun to grieve I'd think differently. Someone told me that grief has several stages including shock and denial. I think I spent a good few months in that area unable to accept that kallie was gone and that she isn't coming home. Not to this home anyway.
Then there is the pain and guilt. I have so much of that some days its like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I wonder if I should have spent more time with her, should have scratched her ears more, cuddled her more. And yet logically I know that I gave her a good life. She never lacked for anything, especially not love. But the pain..well..I wonder if that ever really leaves us or if we just learn to cope with it.
And then there's the stage I'm at. Anger. I'm angry I lost her. She wasn't old by any means. I lost her because of some stupid veterinary mistake. I'm not angry at her, I'm angry because of the vets, and because I couldn't help her. Some people might say that I did help her by letting her go-and I suppose I did but that isn't a consolation to me on the bad days. She had maybe three weeks left -what was I supposed to do? Let her die? Watch her suffer and finally pass away? I wasn't going to do that to her, I couldn't save her from death but I could save her from the pain of a long torturous death. But I'm angry and I'm hurt that that is all I could do for her.
I comfort myself now with knowing that I loved her. That she knew I loved her even during her last moments when I cradled her head, cried in her neck and repeated over and over that she was my girl always, that I loved her, that no one would ever take her place in my heart and soul. I don't quite think that's acceptance-I'm not comfortable with saying I accept it. However, I can't keep denying she's gone either. She'd want me to move on. I told her I would be okay, I promuised her that I would be okay in time and that it was okay for her to let go.
I guess that's why the accidentally mowed down flowers was so upsetting. But, even with mowed down flowers, a destroyed symbol of that promise, I will be okay.
The flowers were perennials, they'll be back next year. Life will continue. My life without Kallie will never be the same as the nine and a half years of love and devotion that we had. But those flowers will come back, remind me of her, and remind me that its okay to move on and in time even have another little kitten to love as I love her.
It's a good thing I believe in reincarnation.
I'm not someone who enables peoples faults but I'll say this. I have an adjustment disorder of sorts, I don't do well with drastic changes in situations or what have you. Losing Kallie was traumatic and losing a pet for any person without that disorder is still traumatic. For me, losing her represented a loss in stability, it was the end to one part of my life and I suddenly had to face the world without her by my side. The flowers I planted weren't just for decoration, they were a symbol to me.
The flowers were a symbol of life's continuity, that the life cycle must have death in order for there to be life. The flowers represented to me, that my life even without Kallie could go on, and be beautiful. That my world could keep turning without me falling apart. When they were destroyed, the symbolism disappeared and became a representation of Kallie's life. Beautiful but cut tragically short.
Kallie's forever spot to me is a sacred place, a holy place even. The loss of the flowers to me is like a violation on that little flowery shrine I had for her. To me it is as though someone has tainted my girl's spot. It seems silly but its true. Maybe if I hadn't just begun to grieve I'd think differently. Someone told me that grief has several stages including shock and denial. I think I spent a good few months in that area unable to accept that kallie was gone and that she isn't coming home. Not to this home anyway.
Then there is the pain and guilt. I have so much of that some days its like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I wonder if I should have spent more time with her, should have scratched her ears more, cuddled her more. And yet logically I know that I gave her a good life. She never lacked for anything, especially not love. But the pain..well..I wonder if that ever really leaves us or if we just learn to cope with it.
And then there's the stage I'm at. Anger. I'm angry I lost her. She wasn't old by any means. I lost her because of some stupid veterinary mistake. I'm not angry at her, I'm angry because of the vets, and because I couldn't help her. Some people might say that I did help her by letting her go-and I suppose I did but that isn't a consolation to me on the bad days. She had maybe three weeks left -what was I supposed to do? Let her die? Watch her suffer and finally pass away? I wasn't going to do that to her, I couldn't save her from death but I could save her from the pain of a long torturous death. But I'm angry and I'm hurt that that is all I could do for her.
I comfort myself now with knowing that I loved her. That she knew I loved her even during her last moments when I cradled her head, cried in her neck and repeated over and over that she was my girl always, that I loved her, that no one would ever take her place in my heart and soul. I don't quite think that's acceptance-I'm not comfortable with saying I accept it. However, I can't keep denying she's gone either. She'd want me to move on. I told her I would be okay, I promuised her that I would be okay in time and that it was okay for her to let go.
I guess that's why the accidentally mowed down flowers was so upsetting. But, even with mowed down flowers, a destroyed symbol of that promise, I will be okay.
The flowers were perennials, they'll be back next year. Life will continue. My life without Kallie will never be the same as the nine and a half years of love and devotion that we had. But those flowers will come back, remind me of her, and remind me that its okay to move on and in time even have another little kitten to love as I love her.
It's a good thing I believe in reincarnation.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The Day We Met
One of the most important memories I have of Kallie is the day I took her home. I was just eleven when I found her. I'd been asking for a cat for months but we had a dove. The deal was I had to find a home for the dove before I had a cat -which worked fine. We had a guy doing repairs on our house and he was in love with her anyway so voila. My mom lined up a breeder to get me a Himalayan, had first choice and everything. However, in April we saw an ad for free kittens and decided to take a look.
We drove to the guys house and in this man's garage was a bunch of little kittens roaming around. Not quite a safe environment for little kittens but that's where she was. This...little mite approached me and rubbed against my leg. She was cute, even with the small body and oversized ears (and I do mean oversized). I picked her up,our eyes met, she snuggled into me.
It was instant love. It was like at that moment our souls met and I knew we had to be together. I know it probably sounds strange but we connected from the moments her beautiful eyes met mine. Any thought of having a Himalayan left my head at that moment. I wanted her.
When we brought her home, I kept her in my room with me so we got to know each other better. I can remember patiently putting her back on my bed so she'd learn to sleep there, and I remember watching her play with our Yorkies (two hyper dogs plus one psycho kitten=lots of fun). She was just beautiful to me though some might have preferred the purebred. But then. she was mine, our souls were linked.
I'll be the first to admit my beliefs aren't orthodox. I'm not quite Christian but I don't know if I'm quite Pagan either. I believe in Jesus and his death on the cross for sin. But I also believe that we have spirit guides, that the world is nature balanced, that magic exists for the practitioner to handle. I believe Kallie was there to guide me, that time in my life and the years to follow were difficult for me. As a little girl, Kallie gave me the stability I didn't really have as my father had left us and only saw us occasionally (when it suited him.). But it didn't matter, because at the end of the day I had my girl, when I felt lost, she found me. I never had to feel alone with her. I will swear to my dying day that the first day we met, and our souls connected she knew that I didn't just want her.
I needed her.
I needed her like I needed my mom, my brother, my grandparents. The difference was that she could listen without interrupting, that she listened without doing anything but looking into my eyes patiently waiting for me to rub her ears or her chin.
The first few days together are forever in my memory, including when I put her in the laundry basket and frantically called my friends in off the street so they could look at her. At the time I think I felt that I had gotten what I'd been begging for for months, but deep down, I knew I had found something much deeper. I had my best friend.
My girl.
We drove to the guys house and in this man's garage was a bunch of little kittens roaming around. Not quite a safe environment for little kittens but that's where she was. This...little mite approached me and rubbed against my leg. She was cute, even with the small body and oversized ears (and I do mean oversized). I picked her up,our eyes met, she snuggled into me.
It was instant love. It was like at that moment our souls met and I knew we had to be together. I know it probably sounds strange but we connected from the moments her beautiful eyes met mine. Any thought of having a Himalayan left my head at that moment. I wanted her.
When we brought her home, I kept her in my room with me so we got to know each other better. I can remember patiently putting her back on my bed so she'd learn to sleep there, and I remember watching her play with our Yorkies (two hyper dogs plus one psycho kitten=lots of fun). She was just beautiful to me though some might have preferred the purebred. But then. she was mine, our souls were linked.
I'll be the first to admit my beliefs aren't orthodox. I'm not quite Christian but I don't know if I'm quite Pagan either. I believe in Jesus and his death on the cross for sin. But I also believe that we have spirit guides, that the world is nature balanced, that magic exists for the practitioner to handle. I believe Kallie was there to guide me, that time in my life and the years to follow were difficult for me. As a little girl, Kallie gave me the stability I didn't really have as my father had left us and only saw us occasionally (when it suited him.). But it didn't matter, because at the end of the day I had my girl, when I felt lost, she found me. I never had to feel alone with her. I will swear to my dying day that the first day we met, and our souls connected she knew that I didn't just want her.
I needed her.
I needed her like I needed my mom, my brother, my grandparents. The difference was that she could listen without interrupting, that she listened without doing anything but looking into my eyes patiently waiting for me to rub her ears or her chin.
The first few days together are forever in my memory, including when I put her in the laundry basket and frantically called my friends in off the street so they could look at her. At the time I think I felt that I had gotten what I'd been begging for for months, but deep down, I knew I had found something much deeper. I had my best friend.
My girl.
An introduction
So hello to everyone who ends up reading this. As you can see from the title this is my blog about losing a pet. It isn't meant to be any sort of guide telling you how to deal with your loss or potential loss. I'm not going to make false promises or color anything over for anyone's sake. I didn't make this to help other people initially but in a way, I hope it will help someone who has or is going to lose a pet.
What this blog is, is a way for me to cope with losing my best friend. She died February 2010 after only 9 1/2 years together. I've cried more over her the last two months then the months after her death. Maybe grief kept me from crying-a sort of shock or denial. Maybe it wasn't real. Or maybe now the weight of it is so heavy on my soul that I'v realized how difficult life is without her. Whatever the reason is, this blog is for me to write my feelings and while I didn't make it to help other people, maybe it will. Maybe other people can read this and realize they aren't alone in their feelings. Some people I know just think "oh well it was only a cat."
only a cat.
Not just a cat though. My cat. My girl.
It's too hard to talk about losing her, I do better writing.
I suppose I'll say a little about me. I'm a university student, I'll be a teacher in a few years. I'm musically inclined and I speak French too.I own an online business with my mom and I have the best boyfriend in the world. However, most importantly I'm an animal lover.
My best friend, Kallie, died in February from liver failure brought on by constant bouts of Cat Flu (which she initially caught at the vets when I went to give her her vaccinations to keep her healthy-how ironic). I will swear to my dying day their lack of care in the sanitary department is why she's gone now. The grief of her loss has left an empty place in my soul which I hope to mend (at least a little) here.
So, without further rambling, I'll sign off for now and hope that this venture helps me and whomever ends up reading this.
What this blog is, is a way for me to cope with losing my best friend. She died February 2010 after only 9 1/2 years together. I've cried more over her the last two months then the months after her death. Maybe grief kept me from crying-a sort of shock or denial. Maybe it wasn't real. Or maybe now the weight of it is so heavy on my soul that I'v realized how difficult life is without her. Whatever the reason is, this blog is for me to write my feelings and while I didn't make it to help other people, maybe it will. Maybe other people can read this and realize they aren't alone in their feelings. Some people I know just think "oh well it was only a cat."
only a cat.
Not just a cat though. My cat. My girl.
It's too hard to talk about losing her, I do better writing.
I suppose I'll say a little about me. I'm a university student, I'll be a teacher in a few years. I'm musically inclined and I speak French too.I own an online business with my mom and I have the best boyfriend in the world. However, most importantly I'm an animal lover.
My best friend, Kallie, died in February from liver failure brought on by constant bouts of Cat Flu (which she initially caught at the vets when I went to give her her vaccinations to keep her healthy-how ironic). I will swear to my dying day their lack of care in the sanitary department is why she's gone now. The grief of her loss has left an empty place in my soul which I hope to mend (at least a little) here.
So, without further rambling, I'll sign off for now and hope that this venture helps me and whomever ends up reading this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)