When Kallie died we planted flowers for her. Today I found out my boyfriend's mom all but destroyed them while weedwacking and mowing the lawn. I was devastated. I think I need to explain to myself why that was. Isn't it funny how the smallest things can trigger a meltdown? I know it was an accident (it better have been an accident), and that she didn't intentionally go to Kallie's spot to destroy what I planted but the symbolism of what those flowers were to me was extremely important to me.
I'm not someone who enables peoples faults but I'll say this. I have an adjustment disorder of sorts, I don't do well with drastic changes in situations or what have you. Losing Kallie was traumatic and losing a pet for any person without that disorder is still traumatic. For me, losing her represented a loss in stability, it was the end to one part of my life and I suddenly had to face the world without her by my side. The flowers I planted weren't just for decoration, they were a symbol to me.
The flowers were a symbol of life's continuity, that the life cycle must have death in order for there to be life. The flowers represented to me, that my life even without Kallie could go on, and be beautiful. That my world could keep turning without me falling apart. When they were destroyed, the symbolism disappeared and became a representation of Kallie's life. Beautiful but cut tragically short.
Kallie's forever spot to me is a sacred place, a holy place even. The loss of the flowers to me is like a violation on that little flowery shrine I had for her. To me it is as though someone has tainted my girl's spot. It seems silly but its true. Maybe if I hadn't just begun to grieve I'd think differently. Someone told me that grief has several stages including shock and denial. I think I spent a good few months in that area unable to accept that kallie was gone and that she isn't coming home. Not to this home anyway.
Then there is the pain and guilt. I have so much of that some days its like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I wonder if I should have spent more time with her, should have scratched her ears more, cuddled her more. And yet logically I know that I gave her a good life. She never lacked for anything, especially not love. But the pain..well..I wonder if that ever really leaves us or if we just learn to cope with it.
And then there's the stage I'm at. Anger. I'm angry I lost her. She wasn't old by any means. I lost her because of some stupid veterinary mistake. I'm not angry at her, I'm angry because of the vets, and because I couldn't help her. Some people might say that I did help her by letting her go-and I suppose I did but that isn't a consolation to me on the bad days. She had maybe three weeks left -what was I supposed to do? Let her die? Watch her suffer and finally pass away? I wasn't going to do that to her, I couldn't save her from death but I could save her from the pain of a long torturous death. But I'm angry and I'm hurt that that is all I could do for her.
I comfort myself now with knowing that I loved her. That she knew I loved her even during her last moments when I cradled her head, cried in her neck and repeated over and over that she was my girl always, that I loved her, that no one would ever take her place in my heart and soul. I don't quite think that's acceptance-I'm not comfortable with saying I accept it. However, I can't keep denying she's gone either. She'd want me to move on. I told her I would be okay, I promuised her that I would be okay in time and that it was okay for her to let go.
I guess that's why the accidentally mowed down flowers was so upsetting. But, even with mowed down flowers, a destroyed symbol of that promise, I will be okay.
The flowers were perennials, they'll be back next year. Life will continue. My life without Kallie will never be the same as the nine and a half years of love and devotion that we had. But those flowers will come back, remind me of her, and remind me that its okay to move on and in time even have another little kitten to love as I love her.
It's a good thing I believe in reincarnation.
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